Saturday, November 7, 2020

Culture Lesson: Pronouns and Gender Identity

Pronouns! After ten years, it's time we talked about he, she, they, and them. I suppose this was familiar to me in 2010, and I apologize that this blog's culture lessons have not discussed issues related to the LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC (lessons on those abbreviations to come!) communities more deeply.

October 21st was International Pronouns Day! It's celebrated on the third Wednesday of October every year. The holiday aims to normalize sharing personal pronouns. This blog endorses the holiday: 

I endorse International Pronouns Day, which seeks to make respecting, sharing, and educating about personal pronouns commonplace. Referring to people by the pronouns they determine for themselves is basic to human dignity. Being referred to by the wrong pronouns particularly affects transgender and gender-nonconforming people. Together, we can transform society to celebrate people’s multiple, intersecting identities. I encourage colleges, schools, workplaces, and local organizations to hold educational and empowering events on International Pronouns Day.

So, what can you do, to be a better neighbor? Ask a person for their pronouns before making an assumption. Asking anyone, regardless of whether you think they're cis-gendered makes for a normal experience, allowing a queer person ease to share their full person with the world.  Sinclair Sexsmith explains:

When you do that, I feel more comfortable putting my pronouns — they/them. I feel more comfortable being visibly out as nonbinary. I feel more comfortable asking people to use the pronouns that feel most like me, that make me feel most seen and whole, instead of just resolving to be mis-gendered and mis-represented and whatever who cares anyway.

...I automatically feel warmer toward you — regardless of your gender or presentation. I feel much more comfortable talking to you, because you already tell me you know a little about gender.
A small, easy action you can take is adding your pronouns to your social media profiles, e-mail signatures, and nametags. It signals that you are an open, welcoming, and inclusive person. For example, my e-mail signature says:
Katherine M. Hill
Pronouns: She, Her, Hers
Are you worried about how to address this verbally? Slip it in during a friendly introduction: Hi! I'm Katherine. My pronouns are she/her. Or, It's nice to meet you Violet! What are your pronouns? And, I'm so sorry, I didn't get your pronouns! Can you share them with me? (If someone says no, say, OK. In fact, this article calls the request "...An exercise in power; a form of social coercion that only masquerades as inclusion. In linguistic terms, such requests 'position' the recipient of the request against their will and without their permission.")

A person can declare any pronouns they choose. A person can choose they/them (in any capacity) and remain cis-gendered, just as a person can use binary pronouns and be transgendered. Any choice is fine! Much in the way you would respect a person's name, you should respect a person's pronouns. 

You might make a mistake. That's fine! You can correct yourself as you go. You can ask for clarification in the midst of your monologue. And you can apologize after you've made a mistake. You don't have to rake yourself over the coals (that makes people uncomfortable), you just have to be sincere and make an effort to improve. (This is a good guideline in general.)  

In addition to the "standard" pronouns, a person may choose ze/zir, per/pers, ey/em, xe/xem, or no pronouns at all. Remember, the rules of grammar have evolved over time, just as you have. You can adapt to the "grammatically incorrect" use of they if a person prefers "they" over "him" or "her." A person is more important than grammar, and frankly, grammar is the wrong hill to die on in this century. And: it's not your call as a cis-gendered person which non-binary pronoun is the most grammatically appropriate. It's your call to honor a person's request.

What if a person prefers no pronouns? Use the person's name, and other nouns to describe the individual: friend, person, colleague, co-worker, neighbor, and community advocate are some examples.

A person's pronouns (and lack thereof) may change overtime. Some people find the limited options exhausting. Others feel that the existing pronouns in our language are inadequate and don't fit correctly. Those individuals may find a pronoun that does fit--or may not! 

I found this advice from PFLAG helpful:

To begin practicing not using pronouns, the first thing is to get used to starting sentences with the person’s name. That way, there is no confusion about the subject of the sentence. If the person is in the room, the second person pronoun you is universally applicable. Some good replacements for reflexive pronouns, (himself, themselves, myself, etc.), that I use are: alone, solo, unattended, independently, in solitude, without prompting, and free from the boss’s gaze. Remember that even though they/them pronouns are great for a lot of people, if a person uses no pronouns at all, using they/them pronouns to refer to that person is still incorrect.

The key to respecting people who don’t use pronouns is practice. Ask someone to practice gushing about your pronoun-less friend with you. If you have yet to meet a person who uses no pronouns, you can still practice. Pick a name at random, talk about a real person, or talk about a pet, (I promise, pets don’t subscribe to the gender binary). If you can, do this work without your friend there, as hearing you make mistakes and using pronouns can feel hurtful. No one is born understanding all about gender, so there is room for error starting out. Do your best to respond with respect and affirmation. In time, it will feel more natural. Just keep that commitment to respecting people’s pronouns and lack of pronouns up, and you’ll do just fine!


By the way, singular personal pronouns (you, yours, yourself, me, mine, myself) remain unchanged. Mister and miss remain rooted in the gender binary, though Mx. ("mix") can be a nice alternative.

Sources:

International Pronouns Day

This International Pronouns Day, Celebrate Why Pronouns Matter, Human Rights Campaign

mypronouns.org

Dear (Cis) People Who Put Your Pronouns On Your “Hello My Name Is” Name Tags, Sinclair Sexsmith

“No, You Can’t Have My Pronouns!”, M.J. Murphy on Medium

What do you do when someone doesn’t use any pronouns?, PFLAG


This post was updated to expand the Lesson on no pronouns. 

Saturday, October 17, 2020

Lesson: How To View Profile Photos On Facebook

I was walking through Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn today when a man complimented me on my face mask. I was thrilled--I have a seasonal mask and I thought more people would compliment it, but until this afternoon not one person had acknowledged how clever I am. (Well, how clever Zephra is, she made it!) I was also on the phone with my mom, and she wanted to see the mask, seeing that I had already whined, rather petulantly. 

So I advised my mom to pull up my Facebook.

Oh, but it's not my profile photo, my profile photo is a selfie with the Home Depot skeletons!

And then I gave her the wrong directions for how to find the old photo. 

A niche Lesson to be sure, but a public apology nevertheless. 

How To View Profile Photos On Facebook

  1. Go to www.facebook.com and log in, if necessary.

  2. Go to the profile you want to visit. Type the person's name in the search bar, located in the top left corner of the webpage.

  3. Click the individual's profile photo.


  4. A drop-down menu will appear. Choose VIEW PROFILE PICTURE.


  5. Now my profile photo has popped up in its own dialogue box. Click the arrow to the right of the photo to go backward.


  6. There's the photo we were looking for!




But wait, there's another way you could have done this. When you pull up a person's profile, you can click PHOTOS. Then you click ALBUMS.


As you'll see, the first option is PROFILE PHOTOS. You'll see the same results below, without scrolling:



Is Lessons for Old People back? Kind of! Stay tuned.