Pronouns! After ten years, it's time we talked about he, she, they, and them. I suppose this was familiar to me in 2010, and I apologize that this blog's culture lessons have not discussed issues related to the LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC (lessons on those abbreviations to come!) communities more deeply.
October 21st was International Pronouns Day! It's celebrated on the third Wednesday of October every year. The holiday aims to normalize sharing personal pronouns. This blog endorses the holiday:
I endorse International Pronouns Day, which seeks to make respecting, sharing, and educating about personal pronouns commonplace. Referring to people by the pronouns they determine for themselves is basic to human dignity. Being referred to by the wrong pronouns particularly affects transgender and gender-nonconforming people. Together, we can transform society to celebrate people’s multiple, intersecting identities. I encourage colleges, schools, workplaces, and local organizations to hold educational and empowering events on International Pronouns Day.
So, what can you do, to be a better neighbor? Ask a person for their pronouns before making an assumption. Asking anyone, regardless of whether you think they're cis-gendered makes for a normal experience, allowing a queer person ease to share their full person with the world. Sinclair Sexsmith explains:
When you do that, I feel more comfortable putting my pronouns — they/them. I feel more comfortable being visibly out as nonbinary. I feel more comfortable asking people to use the pronouns that feel most like me, that make me feel most seen and whole, instead of just resolving to be mis-gendered and mis-represented and whatever who cares anyway.
...I automatically feel warmer toward you — regardless of your gender or presentation. I feel much more comfortable talking to you, because you already tell me you know a little about gender.
To begin practicing not using pronouns, the first thing is to get used to starting sentences with the person’s name. That way, there is no confusion about the subject of the sentence. If the person is in the room, the second person pronoun you is universally applicable. Some good replacements for reflexive pronouns, (himself, themselves, myself, etc.), that I use are: alone, solo, unattended, independently, in solitude, without prompting, and free from the boss’s gaze. Remember that even though they/them pronouns are great for a lot of people, if a person uses no pronouns at all, using they/them pronouns to refer to that person is still incorrect.
The key to respecting people who don’t use pronouns is practice. Ask someone to practice gushing about your pronoun-less friend with you. If you have yet to meet a person who uses no pronouns, you can still practice. Pick a name at random, talk about a real person, or talk about a pet, (I promise, pets don’t subscribe to the gender binary). If you can, do this work without your friend there, as hearing you make mistakes and using pronouns can feel hurtful. No one is born understanding all about gender, so there is room for error starting out. Do your best to respond with respect and affirmation. In time, it will feel more natural. Just keep that commitment to respecting people’s pronouns and lack of pronouns up, and you’ll do just fine!
Sources:
This International Pronouns Day, Celebrate Why Pronouns Matter, Human Rights Campaign
Dear (Cis) People Who Put Your Pronouns On Your “Hello My Name Is” Name Tags, Sinclair Sexsmith
“No, You Can’t Have My Pronouns!”, M.J. Murphy on Medium
What do you do when someone doesn’t use any pronouns?, PFLAG
This post was updated to expand the Lesson on no pronouns.